A New Year, A New Me… Right?

The New Year really brings out some traditions; some with no basis, but brings comfort and promise.

Really, it’s just another day, but kinda feels nice to celebrate a cycle. I think that’s what the question really is here… Is it a cycle? What brought us from point A to point B? Was it a circle… Or was it a line?

On the New Year, are we celebrating progress or a chance to redo it all again with a fresh start?

My life has changed moving in a straight line, progressing. I can feel it and I can see it. It’s scary and beautiful. The kids have grown and so have I.

No, I don’t have kids, but my little cousins suddenly seem so adult. They’re not babies I carry around anymore, helping feed and change and watch over. They’re graduates, they have relationships, jobs, and businesses they run. They have cars, credit cards, and drinks every now and then.

And I… I gained a new home, I pay new bills, I do yard work, I do home improvement, attend baby showers, talk about weddings, and keep spreadsheets. Our lives are moving in a straight line, like a train to a destination, theirs earlier in the track than mine is. Somehow.

Internally, I just see cycles. I revisit my same self over and over again and just refine a little bit each day. I chip away at what doesn’t belong, I add to what’s missing, and soften the edges that seem to hurt more than they help.

I do keep some of those cracks and sharp points, I admit.

Yearly, on this day, I still feel like the same child, just a little bit more refined.

My dreams still feel the same, my desires out of life unchanged. I revisit the same memories and the same emotions. I truly never quite leave things behind. As an adult, I’m often disappointed in others because they grow up without me. Maybe it’s a Peter Pan syndrome, I don’t know. It’s not that I cling to a youth I no longer have and am trying to reclaim. It’s that it never left, and those that I used to share it with have flown away.

I’m the sole resident of a playground where I welcome new visitors and, more often than not, am forced to say my goodbye when it’s time for them to move on. Just tourists passing through.

I’ve learned move on from friendships pretty easily these days because of it.

Still, in some ways, we get pushed to travel in a line, to change our starting point, to change our view.

This year, I lost two friends who owned pieces of my soul once upon a time. It’s a whole new level of adulting to be forced to say goodbye to those you loved, even distantly. I revisit their memories and replay our moments, now with a realisation that the world I play in no longer contains them. But I keep pushing on.

I play in the world with their memories and in their memory. I continue with life and I strive to do both: move in a straight line and progress, and move in a circle revisiting the past, never forgetting what brought me here, and refining it for the next year.

Still, I plan on counting down to the ball drop, raising my glass, and kissing everyone I love.

This new year, I celebrate all the years that just passed, the tears I’ve cried, the laughter I’ve shared, and the chance to continue to do it all again, every day I can… Because I’ve never really thought to before. The new year is more than just the shedding of old skin and putting on a new sequinned party dress. It’s a moment to pick up the last year I used to believe I should leave behind and, instead, pack it with me. Because it is me and are pieces I should never be ashamed to carry, never feel burdened with. Puzzle pieces in both bright and dark colours that make up the picture I live in today. The life that I sit in, the family that loves me, and the cup of tea that soothes me on this cold New Year’s Eve.


Happy New Year! Celebrate life and live it, this year and every year.



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